Pause, not Panic

“Jean, can I talk to you in my office for a minute,” my supervisor asked.

“Sure,” I said to the ominous request.  Ominous, because I knew what was coming.  There had been meetings all day and emails about what the county’s response to COVID-19’s spread through Virginia would be.  My carefully gathered hope that they might find some use yet for the temp (me) began to slide through my fingers.  She was kind and clearly uncomfortable with the task before her.  The job I had originally expected to last until May, maybe even become a permanent position with benefits, was ending today.

I walked back to my desk sad, but not surprised.  I had walked into the building that morning to find a rope barrier just inside the door.  No longer could citizens just walk down to our office.  Now they must call ahead and be escorted.  No longer could they meet with my co-workers in their small offices that would not allow for six feet of separation.  Now tables lined the walls, each with chairs at the far end.  So much had changed since Friday.

What would I do now?  In what everyone described as the best job market in 50 years, I had failed to find a full time job.  After months of applications, these pronouncements only annoyed me.  If it was so great, why after a hundred applications was I still looking?  In darker moments, I wondered if for many area companies, having no one was preferable to hiring me.  I was scared.  If it was hard then, what would it be like now?

In the small narrow view that encompassed only my life, this challenge felt huge, monumental.  It was the sort of thing where a small pity party and a pint of ice cream would be totally understandable.  When I expand my view and look at what is going on in the wider world, my problems seem so petty.  I’m healthy as are my loved ones.  I have a home, food, savings, and plenty of toilet paper.  Though we are encouraged to stay at home, I can still go for a walk or for occasional trips to the grocery store.  The hospitals here are not yet overwhelmed, and I hope that remains true.  As I watch the news, my concern for the health and financial well being of so many grows.  What will become of us?  What will become of me?

Who do we want to become, each of us?  I have a choice of how I respond to my personal challenge.  I can devolve into fear and worry.  If I just reacted, I would be out right now delivering restaurant food or groceries.  There is nothing wrong with that and I have done this for months recently to make ends meet.  It seemed like the obvious choice at the time; here was a way I could earn money today.  The perfect job could have come and gone while I busied myself with delivery.  It always felt to me like running on a hamster wheel, frantic activity that exhausted me but led nowhere.  Instead of running back to that safe option, I have paused.

This pause reminds me of a play during a college rugby game years ago.  During a ruck, the ball is on the ground and both teams try to push the others back until the ball is clear and back in play.  Just imagine a mass of players pushing each other around – that is a ruck.  If the mass gets off balance, it starts to spin and players peel off one by one and join in at the back of the pile.  That seems logical, push in the direction you want the mass to go, right?  If it’s off balance, that does nothing to stabilize the spin and players just keep peeling off again and again.  We had talked about this in practice, but often it’s hard to think in the heat of the moment like that.  I did, though.  I peeled off, paused, and looked.  I could see how the mass was turning and knew where on the side I needed to be to stabilize it.  The mass stopped turning from one well placed player.

It would be great to now write about how that led to a winning play, but life doesn’t always follow a Hollywood script.  I don’t remember if we won that day, but I remember how it felt to pause.  I remember how it felt when the ruck stopped turning.  I feel that now in my job search – pause, think, and put yourself right where you need to be.

I hope those making decision that will affect jobs, safety, and health will also pause.  Sometimes what seems so obvious just keeps things spinning.  I hope we all pause and think in our daily lives.  Maybe if you feel that spin in your own life, that you just keep peeling off over and over, try to pause instead.  Pause, look, and put yourself where you need to be.